Since the House of Representatives voted to remove Kevin McCarthy as the Speaker of the House on October 3, there has been a great deal of political commentary. Some observers say the event reflects the immaturity and juvenility of the American political scene while others say na-na na-na boo-boo Kevin eats poo poo.

The House of Representatives now must elect a replacement, but it’s been tough sledding. The speakership is traditionally held by an elected member of the House. The problem is pretty obvious: nobody likes anybody in congress, not even anybody in congress.

Luckily, the Constitution does not technically require the office be filled by a member of the House. Republican lawmakers and bloggers looking for attention have used this technicality to float Donald Trump as a possible speaker, but there are three candidates infinitely better suited for the job than ye ole cheeto.

candidate 1: a golden retriever

To quote the cinematic masterpiece Air Bud, there ain’t no rule says a dog can’t play basketball. There also ain’t no rule saying a golden retriever can’t be a speaker of the House.

If you look at the text of the Constitution, it only says the following when it comes to picking a Speaker:

The House of Representatives shall chuse [sic] their Speaker and other Officers;

It is worth pointing out that the Constitution not only doesn’t explicitly forbid a dog from holding the speakership, but it also does not forbid a dog from holding a seat on the Supreme Court.

It does have age requirements for serving as a member of the House of Representatives (25 years old), as a senator (30 years old), and as the president (35 years old). The Constitution, however, does not specify if these years are human years or dog years. There is very little in the way of academic scholarship on this question, and it has not been tested in the courts.

But I digress.

A golden retriever’s qualifications for the speakership are as numerous as they are obvious. They are intelligent, even-tempered, and good natured creatures. They get along well with other pets and with strangers. They like to play games of fetch, tug-of-war, and, most importantly, chase their own tails, which is about 90% of what being a politician is all about.

Their good naturedness may actually make this unworkable. If offered a place in American politics, golden retrievers are liable to run as far away as they can from you. They will probably hide under the couch or dig a hole in the floor to escape from you. Even if they took the job, they would get bored making committee assignments, structuring House debate rules, and calendaring the vote schedule. They’d cut out everyday at three to chase squirrels and pee on the Washington Monument.

This brings me to my next idea, which is far more practical.

idea 2: a cat

Compared to dogs, cats tend to be archetypically mischievous, predacious, and aloof. Incredibly aloof. So aloof that you don’t think they care if you live or die. Basically, the spitting image of a Senator.

It would not be all bad, though. It would be cute. Picture a cat sitting in a box behind the president during a state of the union address. Picture a cat kneading (aka making biscuits) in Matt Gaetz’s weird hair. Picture a staffer putting a gavel in a cat’s hands and puppeting its paws to bang the gavel and pass a motion, only to startle the cat so badly that it runs all the way to the top of the Washington Monument, sparking a tense eighteen hour rescue mission that CNN and Fox News call “a moment of national worry and unity” before blaming the other for causing the crisis in the first place. MSNBC’s coverage would focus on a dog peeing on the monument and whether or not it could be a Russian spy.

Clearly cats, whether indoor or outdoor cats, can be unruly and difficult to keep track of. There will be plenty of conversations among staffers:

“Is anybody gonna change the Speaker’s kitty litter?”

“Mr. Speaker will be late to the meeting. He’s in the basement eating rats.”

“Have you seen Mr. Speaker?” “Yeah, he’s on the House floor licking himself.”

This unruliness will make it unlikely a cat will get support from the uptight members of Congress deeply concerned about political norms and the tone of the discourse. I can’t see Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Elissa Slotkin, or Hakeem Jeffries throwing their support behind one. The Squad strike me as dog people. I think Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene could be persuaded to vote for a cat depending on its take on Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Nevertheless, I have a third idea. And it is the most workable and practical option proposed in this piece.

idea 3: a cartoon cat

Much in the same way that there ain’t no rule saying a pet can’t be the Speaker, there ain’t no rule that says the Speaker has to be real living thing.

Yes, this seems insane on its face, but what’s the worst that could happen?

The House becomes dysfunctional?

Could you imagine?!